Emasculated?

husband — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 22:37:55 +0000

It’s a very odd thing having a spouse at theological college. I haven’t so far had the chance to take part in any of the courses at Coverdale Hall – although they are very welcoming if you want to. Despite this I have been learning things about what it means to be the spouse of someone training for ministry, and about the journey that one is taken on – by college or by the diocese or by God – as your spouse goes through training and the search for a curacy. In our case this latter is not yet settled.

There is a real sense in which you are being asked to give up control of aspects of your life. Things like where you might live and work; who owns and manages the house in which you might live, which church you attend, where your children go to school, the days and months in which you might take your holidays, and a bundle of other things. All are up for grabs, or uncertain at least.

What follows may sound like special pleading, but I recently read a PhD thesis by Sarah-Jane Page who’s a researcher in the Social Policy department at the University of Nottingham. She looked at women clergy with children, and at non-ordained husbands of clergywomen. In the case of the latter she identifies some of this loss of control as especially counter-cultural for the men involved, since it challenges their sense that these are the things that the man “is supposed to provide” for his family.

Now I am more of a “new man” than some: I can do an entire load of washing and ironing, I do collect my small child from school and I can shop and cook the tea, amongst other things. (I’m also very good at pastry.) I won’t deny though that the domestic management load falls more on VIT than me.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that I am not a classic “alpha male.” Nevertheless I could really connect with Dr Page’s observations that deep in the male psyche somewhere is a voice that says it’s his job to provide for his family. And the lack of control about “what next?” in terms of where, in what, and how we live is a challenge to that voice which goes very deep. This must be true for men becoming curates too, but the loss of control is more complete where the interface for such negotiations as are possible is not direct but through your spouse. (No one core to this process has directly asked the future vicar’s husband what he thinks, it’s all done through the ordinand.)

Then there’s the faith part which says “trust God.” I think have found few things since becoming a Christian 34 years ago which have stretched me more than this. If this is God’s voice saying “trust me” and “in what do you find your security?” then it’s a good thing to listen.

But how do I work out if it’s God?

And isn’t this a rather similar question to that asked by the ordinand before they go for selection?

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Spot the difference

husband — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 17:42:38 +0000

Do you remember those “spot the difference” pictures you used to do as a child? Two similar pictures with a number of differences, some of which were fairly obvious and usually two or three which took a while to find.

Here’s an updated version of one of those, except that we have two ordinands instead of two pictures. We still have to spot the difference between the two. We have to imagine that it is a year till ordination and conversations are beginning about where the ordinands might go to do their curacy. You also have to bear in mind that no ordinand is permitted to look at more than one curacy at once. Nor is any vicar allowed to look at more than one curate once. Nor can an ordinand from one diocese look outside that diocese without it being “released.” Essentially this means you have irrevocable permission to bugger off. So it is entirely possible that jobs which are geographically close by are not available because they are in a different diocese. (It’s a bit like living in Berwick-upon-Tweed and wanting to go to school in Scotland) This is not remotely like a normal job recruitment process. It is supposed to allow for “discernment.” This may allow God into the situation, or it may just be a fancy way of dressing up an outmoded process with a spiritualised word.

Anyway, here are the two ordinands whose differences we have to spot.

Well, you might notice that one is male and the other is female. The one left is in black and white while the other is in colour. Still not got it? Perhaps you could try the thought that the man was probably inside when his photograph was taken where is the woman was outside in the country when she was painted. No, that is not it either.

You want a clue? There are some other people in one of the pictures. Does that tell you anything? You’re getting warmer now. yes, the female ordinand has a family (and in this case three dogs, a harp and a large Greek vase.)

So, what does this have to do with the Church of England and our two ordinands? Well, the answer of course is deployment. Who is going to find it easier to up sticks and move? No prizes for guessing.

One then has to ask whether the Church of England, or at least some bits of the Church of England, have noticed this? It sometimes feels as if they still think all their ordinands are young, single or recently married, and either childless or with preschool age children.

If the church wants to train married people with families, it has to engage with the question of whether and how to deal with the idea of moving those families around the country. It is a very long time since anyone from the dioceses asked this VHIT what he thought about this, and so far the signs that any of this is being taken into account are not very good.

Of course, in a normal job recruitment situation the occupation, ties and other factors surrounding the spouse of an applicant are strictly off-limits, and rightly so. But this is not a normal job recruitment situation.

I am hoping that God is in there somewhere.

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Vicar's Family in Training » housing

Emasculated?

Spot the difference